YOUR EX IS A MONSTER
It's a harsh phrase, isn't it? Yet, for many of us, it’s a feeling that resonates deeply after a breakup. The person you once shared your life with – your confidant, your lover, your partner – suddenly, shockingly, reveals a side that feels... monstrous.
Breakups are rarely clean, but some endings are a stark reflection of a profound misalignment in values, character, or fundamental respect. The pain in these situations isn't just about loss; it's an added sting when the person you invested time, love, and trust in, suddenly appears as someone unrecognizable, someone fundamentally "bad" or truly hurtful in your eyes. This isn't just a breakup; it's the shattering of an illusion, a brutal confrontation with reality.
The Crucial Realization: Dropping the Fantasy
As devastating as this realization can be, it is, in fact, a crucial part of the healing process. It's the moment the fantasy crumbles, the rose-tinted glasses fall away and you begin to see the relationship, and the other person, for what they truly were, not what you wished them to be. This insight, though painful, is genuinely important because it provides clarity and can prevent you from repeating similar patterns.
However, it's vital that we don't get stuck in this particular stage of realization.
The Trap of Victimhood: Why Staying Here Keeps You Stuck
While the other person's actions might have been undeniably hurtful or even monstrous, allowing them to remain the "monster" in your narrative keeps you in the role of the perpetual victim. When the other person holds all the "bad," they inadvertently hold all the power. You become tethered to their negative actions, constantly replaying the injustice, dwelling on what was done to you.
This mindset, while completely understandable given the circumstances, disempowers you. It drains your energy, keeps you locked in the past and prevents you from moving forward into your own healing and empowerment. You're constantly reacting to their perceived wrongdoings, rather than proactively building your new life. The feeling of constant injustice becomes a heavy chain, binding you to a narrative where you have no agency.
How to Reclaim Your Power and Move Forward:
This isn't easy work, but it's the path to true freedom.
Acknowledge and Validate Your Pain: Don't bypass the hurt or the anger. It's okay to feel betrayed, angry, confused and deeply hurt. Give yourself permission to feel every raw emotion without judgment. This is not about condoning their actions, but about processing your own experience. Journal, talk to trusted friends or seek therapy.
Shift the Narrative from 'Them' to 'You': Instead of constantly asking "Why did they do this to me?", reframe the questions to focus on your experience and lessons. "What did I learn about my boundaries?" "What do I need in a relationship that I wasn't getting?" "What within me allowed me to stay in that dynamic?" This shifts focus from blame to understanding and growth.
Reclaim Your Agency and Choices: Recognize that while you couldn't control their actions, you can control your response and your next steps. Your power lies in your choices moving forward: how you heal, whom you trust, and what kind of relationship you cultivate with yourself.
Set Empowering Boundaries: This isn't just about no-contact (though that can be vital). It's about mental and emotional boundaries. Stop engaging with their narrative, whether it's through social media stalking, replaying conversations, or allowing others to constantly bring them up. Protect your peace fiercely.
Focus on Your Healing Journey: Direct your energy towards rebuilding your self-worth, rediscovering your passions (like we discussed in the "What energizes you now?" video on my Instagram!) and cultivating self-intimacy. This is where the true power lies – in building a life so full and authentic that the "monster's" narrative loses its grip on you.
Seek Professional Support: If you find yourself stuck in the victim narrative, struggling with intense anger, or unable to move forward, a therapist or coach specializing in trauma or relationship healing can provide invaluable guidance and tools.
Seeing the "monster" can be agonizing, but understanding its role in your story – as a catalyst for recognizing unhealthy patterns and reclaiming your power – is the first step towards writing a new, empowering chapter for yourself. You are not a victim; you are a survivor, a learner, and a powerful creator of your own future.
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If you're ready to move forward...
The Break-Up Journey (more info here) is a 3-month, 6-session deep dive into healing from the nervous system outwards. It's not about forgetting them - it’s about remembering yourself. Together, we’ll explore your emotional landscape, your relational patterns and the deeper wisdom of this ending. You’ll receive guided support, rituals, meditations and a personalized program to come back to your centre.
Because healing isn’t just about closure.
It’s about initiation.
And this could be the one that brings you back home.
